Stop Fighting Your Babies
I just found out my startup idea has finally been implemented by someone else. It's the best feeling ever, just watching your own potential crumble under fear and indecisiveness. I spent 9 months running circles in my own head, thinking about every tiny detail on how to make this idea come true. Nine whole months and all I actually did was scaffold 10% of a working POC.
I had the time. I had the resources. I had what it takes to get this up and running. I just didn't do it because it didn't feel perfect enough in my head, but boy did I talk myself out of it every single day.
"What if I fail miserably? I don't think I'm good enough for this. Did you really graduate from Penn and you're still a meh engineer? How embarrassing would it be if this doesn't work out?"
I spent hours and days just jumping from one thought to another, sitting in paralyzed stillness, not moving forward an inch. So yes, this mental state does indeed suck. However, there is a lot more to fear and perfectionism than simply being adversary entities that get in your way of being your best self.
The "No Bad Parts" Philosophy
I am a believer in "no bad parts". Every emotion you experience, every destructive, annoying thought pattern, your coping mechanisms, everything you might dislike or even hate about yourself — they're all here to serve you.
They only really speak very few languages, oftentimes a single one. Their expression spectrum is super limited. Think of a baby who only knows how to communicate via excessive crying. Yes, it's annoying. Yes, we both agree that it's lowkey dumb to weep at the smallest inconvenience (as much as I still love to!). But at the end of the day, it's a baby. Come on, what are you really expecting?
The rule is clear: you always accommodate the baby. Whether you enjoy doing so or not is a different story.
What NOT to Do with Your Crying Baby
Consequently, it doesn't make any sense to approach your crying baby by:
- Physically forcing them to shut up
- Running away from them (how silly is that?)
- Pretending they don't exist (might help you on the short-term, but you'll definitely regret it)
- Screaming back at them (very productive!)
What TO Do Instead
So what do you do instead? You listen. You attentively put all the energy you can into deciphering their needs. There is a podcast happening inside, and you'd better tune in with love and curiosity.
If you genuinely believe the annoying voice in your head is simply a crying baby trying to help you in its own primitive, spectrum-limited language, you naturally empathize. You drop the judgement. Then, you drop the resistance. You stop fearing your fearful part. Eventually, you develop self-compassion.
The Real Lesson
In hindsight, the more I tried to resist my crying, fearful part, the more power it had over me. Perhaps it wasn't the fear that cost me my brilliant startup idea, but rather my lack of compassion to feel the fear and move steadily anyways.
I am not resentful towards my fear, traumas, and destructive patterns. Frankly, talking to them has taught me more than "overcoming" them ever did.
Tune in to your inner podcast, give yourself a big hug, and stop fighting your babies.
(Disclaimer: this is not licensed mental health advice. I'm just sharing snippets of my experience that could help. Please seek professional help if needed)